It was a lengthy and honest substack; words fell in paragraphs—except at occasional intervals, when they were broken by a violent hitting of the 'enter' key.
imo, I think the main reason people think this line is bad writing is because it's become "cliche." This line is bad because every line that copies it is written much worse, and over and over, etc.
In regards to the defense of adverbs/adjectives, I'd counter by saying if you can garner more efficient results by using a stronger verb, as opposed to trying to strengthen a weak verb with an adverb. Instead of "fiercely agitating" you'd use "whipped" or "lashed"
Here's how I might rewrite this line in my own style:
There would be no sleep. Not while the vengeful storm laid its endless siege to London. Rain pelted the city in volleys only checked by the violent gusts of wind, which swept up the cobblestone, rattled along the housetops and whipped the scanty flame of the street lamps desperately clinging to their dying light. The shadows encroached nonetheless.
I love the way you think about writing! I need to make myself become this intentional in my thinking. Here’s my attempt:
London: sun-deprived and storm-swept. Not an uncommon scene, but tonight the rain torrents in all directions and the darkness hangs especially low, encroaching further with each violent buffeting of the meagre lamp flames.
Attempts made: a change in tense for contemporary immediacy and a sense of rhythm in switching out one very long sentence for a short followed a long. Also tried to keep the sense of a narrator speaking directly to the reader.
I actually love yours for a few reasons! The immediacy shines through in multiple ways alongside the tense shift, for example, "London: sun-deprived and storm-swept" just straight up tells us the city and what it's like (with neat hyphenations, mind you). I also really love the contrast in imagery even while it's conveying the same idea in "sun-deprived" (sun is bright, appears still) and "storm-swept" (dark, lots of movement).
Lastly, I really like the combination of in "rain torrents in all directions" and "darkness hangs especially low", because it makes me think about a beast under a blanket, thrashing about, inching closer to something😆 Like there's a really effective 'smothering' feeling to the dark while there's also a lot of movement beneath/through/within it. LOVE!!
imo, I think the main reason people think this line is bad writing is because it's become "cliche." This line is bad because every line that copies it is written much worse, and over and over, etc.
In regards to the defense of adverbs/adjectives, I'd counter by saying if you can garner more efficient results by using a stronger verb, as opposed to trying to strengthen a weak verb with an adverb. Instead of "fiercely agitating" you'd use "whipped" or "lashed"
Here's how I might rewrite this line in my own style:
There would be no sleep. Not while the vengeful storm laid its endless siege to London. Rain pelted the city in volleys only checked by the violent gusts of wind, which swept up the cobblestone, rattled along the housetops and whipped the scanty flame of the street lamps desperately clinging to their dying light. The shadows encroached nonetheless.
I love the way you think about writing! I need to make myself become this intentional in my thinking. Here’s my attempt:
London: sun-deprived and storm-swept. Not an uncommon scene, but tonight the rain torrents in all directions and the darkness hangs especially low, encroaching further with each violent buffeting of the meagre lamp flames.
Attempts made: a change in tense for contemporary immediacy and a sense of rhythm in switching out one very long sentence for a short followed a long. Also tried to keep the sense of a narrator speaking directly to the reader.
💖Thank you!💖
I actually love yours for a few reasons! The immediacy shines through in multiple ways alongside the tense shift, for example, "London: sun-deprived and storm-swept" just straight up tells us the city and what it's like (with neat hyphenations, mind you). I also really love the contrast in imagery even while it's conveying the same idea in "sun-deprived" (sun is bright, appears still) and "storm-swept" (dark, lots of movement).
Lastly, I really like the combination of in "rain torrents in all directions" and "darkness hangs especially low", because it makes me think about a beast under a blanket, thrashing about, inching closer to something😆 Like there's a really effective 'smothering' feeling to the dark while there's also a lot of movement beneath/through/within it. LOVE!!